I had my youngest nephew with me all this week and yesterday I took him to see Mom, his Nana. She was sleeping when we arrived so I gently woke her. She looked up at me, blinked a few times, and said "You're here!"
She did not remember I had spoken to her only an hour before and mentioned I might come later in the day. She woke quickly, and looked down to see her smallest grandchild who, as is usual for him, had a wide, toothy grin for her.
She said "Hi sweetie, come give Nana a big hug!" And she said hesitantly, "this is....Ayden?" I said "Yes!" I was thrilled and surprised she was able to pull his name out having not been around him as much as she had been around the other grandkids when they were small and after having only seen him 3x in the last year. We then proceeded to look at her room with all of its pictures, stopping when Ayden saw several of himself and pointed them out to her with great pride that he was displayed in her room!
I said we should go for a walk and sit down the hall by the fish tank and visit. Its always more fun as the staff has really taken to my mom and loves to chat with us. Mom is a higher functioning resident and requires less 'hands-on' care than most of the others and can still carry on conversations with the staff and crack the occasional joke. She is always so surprised that I know the medical aides so well and by name. There's always the "how do YOU know all of these people?" And then I gently remind her that I come often to visit.
We had a good visit. Although by the time we were seated she had forgotten who Ayden belonged to. It was a difficult description as I explained the family tree watching her mind search for images of the people I was describing. Its so hard to watch her face as she works to remember.
And then, the Bird-Lady came! She arrived with the most lovely Parrot named Zuzu. She comes every Thursday for animal therapy. Ayden and I immediately took to Zuzu! She was beautiful and apparently took to me as well as she climbed my arm and perched on my shoulder for almost 30 minutes! She cooed at me when I stroked her and nibbled my nose which I later learned were kisses. Mom watched but soon became disinterested. I didn't notice that she had walked away to the medical staff's counter until she came back. When she stopped at the couch she looked at me and said "You came to see me!" She didn't remember that Ayden and I had been there for an hour and a half. We had been taking pictures of the 3 of us and then more of us with the bird. She remembered nothing. Oh, bits came back but by then we needed to leave.
I promised her I would come back soon and that when the weather cooled down I would take her to Target and soccer games and to my house for Sunday visits. She asked "Why do I have to be here, though?" To which I said "You have to live here, sleep here and eat here. They'll do your laundry and clean your room and make sure you take all your medicine, but I can always come and take you out places. But when it cools down." And she says " Yeah, it's just too hot right now." As if she's been out in this 100°+ weather at all this summer.
She wants so desperately to have normal conversations. To be matter-of-fact with details and comments. I hurt so bad for her.
She walked us to the door and gave Ayden a kiss. She then grabbed me and hugged me hard and thanked me for coming to see her. When I entered in the code for the door lock she said "What are you doing? How do you know what to push?" I told her the staff had given me the code and she asked "What is it?" I said "Very clever Mom. You'll let everyone out!" She laughed a little. And then we left. It seemed like a mostly good visit.
Mom called today and left a message. The phone number was the Director's number which tells me she was in her office, probably so upset that she called from there and not her room. Her message was pitiful. She was sobbing that she couldn't do this anymore. She's so aware of her condition sometimes that it terrifies her. She doesn't want to go through this and knew enough today to realize that. It wasn't about not wanting to live there as is much of her pain. No, today it was about the fear she has and the pain she has about what this disease is and what she will become. I have to write about it because today, after hearing her vm, if I dwell on it too much I will do that ugly crying thing and today, I don't know if I can stop.
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